Cross Cultural Dating -- China Style.
I normally hate this sort of thing, but "Steve" over at Fool's Mountain does such a great job with it, I cannot resist posting on it. The post is entitled, "Cross Cultural Dating," but I think it goes way beyond that and that is my point. The post does a great job explaining the need to be sensitive to other cultures and the advice given definitely translates to the business world and even to dealing with another person within the same culture.
What do you think?
Comments (6)
Read through and enter the discussion by using the form at the endYes We Can! - August 13, 2009 10:38 PM
What advice do you have for Obama's half-brother living in Shenzhen who's living with a Chinese woman? In an interview, he complained that Obama ignores him and doesn't return his calls.
Jerome Cole - August 14, 2009 8:56 AM
I have some random comments on this issue.
For everyone:
Be nice. People of all cultures respond well to kindness.
If you feel that someone is being rude, inconsiderate, crazy, or otherwise anti-social they might just being having a bad day. If you consistently see such behavior this person is probably rude, inconsiderate, crazy, or otherwise anti-social. Don't allow cultural differences to excuse bad behavior.
Be wary of folks who are extremely forward. There seem to be a large number of men in Western countries and women in Asia who randomly approach people from foreign countries. Be careful with these people. They probably have issues that you might not want to deal with.
Don't adopt an attitude of cultural superiority. It will bring you nothing but trouble.
Don't use culture as an excuse or weapon in a relationship. Relate to the other party as an individual.
For Westerners:
Most Chinese people are not out to get your money. In fact, if one is marrying for money finding another Chinese person is probably the way to go. There are lots of rich Chinese and they are much more likely to splurge on their love interests than Westerners. If you are so inclined you can be the recipient of such splurges, even if you are male.
If you are living in China don't depend on Chinese people to cater to your every whim. Learn about where you live and learn how to accomplish everything you need to get done by yourself. If you can't pay your power bill after living here for a year you should be ashamed. The Chinese are also under no obligation to tolerate such foolishness.
Very few Chinese people want to use you to immigrate. Most people are not even particularly interested in moving to a foreign country. The Chinese side of your relationship is likely to resist a move abroad and might even insist on staying China.
Learn Mandarin. Understanding Chinese will make you more attractive, make life much easier, and expand your pool of potential partners.
People in Mainland China have suffered under poverty and totalitarianism for a long, long time. Socialism does not nurture the soul. Like people in many former communist states, Mainlanders have a relatively high likelihood of being ill-tempered, rude, or "crazy". Be on guard.
Be really kind to the parents, relatives, and friends of your love interest. You should do this anywhere but this particularly applies in China.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking that you are more valuable as a mate just because you are a Westerner. You are not. It is more likely that your partner loves you in spite of your nationality, as opposed to because of it.
If you can't use chopsticks you are stupid and inconsiderate. Even retarded people can use chopsticks. You don't have any excuses!
Chinese people:
Don't force food or drink on others. You might think it shows hospitality but almost no one enjoys it, especially Westerners. Western people are far more likely to abstain from alcohol, be vegetarian, or have religious-based dietary restrictions than Chinese. Don't argue with people if they say they can't eat or drink something. It won't make you any friends. If you have a Western partner, protect them from such behavior. It will be appreciated.
Pay attention to hygiene. I am sorry for singling you out, Chinese people, but you are far more likely to be an offender in this area. Wash your hair every day, shave, wear clean clothes, and become familiar with dental floss and mouthwash.
Don't fawn over foreigners or accept a substandard partner just because they are foreign. Respect yourself. You can do better than a fat, old, bald man with a speech impediment and dirty underwear.
Be yourself. Don't attempt to blindly copy what you believe to be foreign culture. You probably won't get it right and even if you do you will come off as inauthentic. For example: I once met a very nice woman who told me she loved me the second time we met. It made me feel very creepy. She continued with "I love you" 24 hours per day and I left because it was too weird.
Handle problems through communication. Tell others what you want and need. Being passive-aggressive, crying, pouting, exploding with anger, or starting "cold wars" is not a healthy or constructive way to deal with problems. Chinese people will be unhappy with you if you do this but have a relatively high probability of giving in to your demands. Western people will try to negotiate with you. If this does not work they will leave you.
Steve - August 14, 2009 3:43 PM
Thanks for the kind words, Dan. I wrote the article not for the pick up artists or "yellow fever" crowd but for the people who were really serious about a person from a different culture.
Nice post, Jerome. Some of what you wrote has reminded me of a few more observations I had forgotten about. After so many years of marriage (our youngest son is in law school), a lot of this is subconscious so I have to slowly pry it out.
Obama's Brother in Shenzhen - August 14, 2009 8:47 PM
"Don't fawn over foreigners or accept a substandard partner just because they are foreign. Respect yourself. You can do better than a fat, old, bald man with a speech impediment and dirty underwear."
Aye Carumba! Pass the mashed potatoes!
Boname - August 17, 2009 4:40 PM
As a European guy with six years in China, I have come to regard Chinese women in the same way I used to regard Pakistani women in my home town - as fundamentalists who can accept anything as long as it isn't criticism or challenge to their world view. In other words, the issue is absolutism versus relativism.
An example: last year, during the visa difficulties that we all experienced, I confided in my two closest Chinese friends, two sisters. I explained my situation. Their conclusion? They entirely sympathized with the official Chinese position, as they had encountered visa problems going to Europe. I was surprised, as before coming to China, I had worked on behalf of asylum seekers and refugees, some of whom were Chinese, trying to assist them to stay in the UK. Just shows the difference in point of view, and just shows the position of non- Chinese in China. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are even close to the position of a foreigner in your own country.
Rant over, bottom line is, I don't live in China any more.
Jerome Cole - August 17, 2009 8:41 PM
Boname:
There are lots of open-minded, kind, and empathetic women around China. You might not have noticed them but they are here.